KITCHEN TIME CHAOS
by Sathia and Meghna
Summary: What will happen if you combine four bored teenage pranksters in a roomful of potions, recipes and pots and pans? A recipe of disaster, of course!One Shot


**Authors: **Sathia and Meghna (previously 'Dazzling Dame')

**Title:** Kitchen time chaos!

**Genre:**Humor

**Summary: **What will happen if you combine four bored teenage pranksters in a roomful of potions, recipes and pots and pans? A recipe of disaster, of course!

**Disclaimer:** We own Sirius. James. Remus. And Peter too. I created Hogwarts and Harry Potter and the sky is green. Please don't sue me (run for cover)

**K**I**T**C**H**E**N T**I**M**E** C**H**A**O**S**

**A Meghna/Sathia endeavor**

"Oh! No!" cried a terrified James Potter, "The world is going to crumble!"

"NOOOOO!" exclaimed an equally alarmed Sirius Black, "I'm too handsome to die!"

Remus Lupin sighed wearily, "Sirius! James! Can anyone tell me the cause of this utterly brainless act of immaturity?"

"Didn't you hear it Moony?" cried James.

"The crumbling," said Sirius.

"The dread!"

"The horror!"

"The terrifiment!"

"Uh... James? That's not a word"

"Oh!"

"Well, sorry to burst your bubbles but that's just Peter's stomach," explained Remus in the manner of trying to convince two year olds that two and two made four.

"Oh...", chorused James and Sirius.

"Come to think of, I'm hungry too", said Sirius.

"Big Surprise," muttered James.

"Hey! I heard that!" said Sirius and ensued in a violent tiff with James.

"If you're done acting like five year olds, why don't we go down and ask Mrs. Potter for something to eat for lunch", said Remus.

"You know, we could do that except that ...mom's not at home", piped up James, "Some vague witch book club meeting".

"Did she leave a note?" asked Remus sensibly.

"Yeah! I chucked it somewhere here", said James searching all over his room causing a racket and rummaging so violently that a vial of some greenish potion fell on Peter, making him turn temporarily green and start itching his backside violently.

"Sorry Wormtail, 'Prank-Potion' you see. Our latest," explained James.

"A Padfoot and Prongs endeavor", commented Sirius.

"Hey! Sirius! You're sitting on the note, mate. Geroff!" James snatched the note and read:

_James,_

_I might not be back till about three. The Witch book club is having lunch over. Foods on the sideboard. There's quite a bit so enjoy it, though not extravagant as I hadn't enough time. Yes, DON'T..._

"And rest of the note was torn" said James, "Sirius you pig!"

"What?" said Sirius innocently, "it must be the usual _don't do this and don't do that. Don't blow up the bathroom or prank the neighbor's dog. Don't..._"

"Sirius... enough" said Remus, "Let's go down".

The boys ran down and came across something that made them gape.

"What the..."

Spread out on the Potter's magnificent chintz table was the most marvelous repast ever! Hams and boiled eggs, bacon and mashed potatoes, chicken , tea and pumpkin juice, s, peas, carrots, gravy, sausages, chips and treacle tart and Yorkshire pudding for dessert. Mmmm...

"Is this a dream?" said Peter dreamily.

"Hopefully not," said Sirius equally dreamily.

James and Remus were drooling away too.

They all ran to the table and gobbled as they had never gobbled before.

"Mmm..." said Peter, with a mouthful of chips, potatoes and chicken.

"Ahh..." said James, sampling some delicious gravy.

"Paff kha ghabie", said Sirius.

Remus looked politely revolted, "Don't speak with your mouth full", he commented disapprovingly.

"Pass the Gravy", said Sirius swallowing "Is that better? _Professor Remus_?"

1 Hour Later...

Three giant burps and one small polite one echoed in the air.

"Good eating", said Peter patting his stomach.

"Yup", agreed Sirius, shaking the shirt and out flew the rest of the note Mrs. Potter had written.

"Hey James! Look, there's the rest of the note. Let's see what exactly Mrs. Potter was going to lecture us about".

He read:

_DON'T TOUCH THE FOOD ON THE TABLE IF YOU VALUE YOUR LIFE. That's for Witch book club, they're coming for lunch. That's it! Enjoy Boys!_

The boys stared at the note dumbfounded. Then they all gulped. Mrs. Potter wasn't a pretty sight when she was in a rage.

"Uh-Oh!" said James.

"Uh-Oh!" agreed Sirius.

"Oh No!" complained Remus and Peter imitated a few terrified squeaks.

"Now what?" said Sirius in a hollow voice.

"We-ell" said James slowly.

"Yes!" pressed Peter eagerly.

"We could... uh... cook it ourselves?"

"Are you crazy?" yelled two terrified voices, that of Sirius and Peter.

"Well! My mom did teach me a little bit on muggle cooking," said Remus looking thoughtful, "Not a bad idea James".

"I'm not going in _there_", exclaimed Sirius, "I'm a _man_", he said drawing himself up proudly.

"Well I can't help you there", grinned Remus, "If you wanna complain about your manhood, you have to complain to your parents".

Sirius glared as James and Peter sniggered.

"So are cookin?" said Sirius changing the topic.

"I guess there's no other choice", said the other three.

They apprehensively approached the _room._

_The DOOM ROOM._

"What was for lunch?" asked James.

"Hmm..." said Peter. "Hams and boiled eggs, bacon and mashed potatoes, chicken , tea and pumpkin juice, peas, carrots, gravy, chips and treacle tart and Yorkshire pudding for desert"

"Ookay!" said Remus. "Let's start with...hmm...I'll do the ham, Sirius will do the boiled eggs, James can do the bacon and Peter, the potatoes.

They set to work.

Remus started on the ham. Brow furrowed with concentration, he poured water to boil and shoved on a huge piece of ham

He added some salt...a pinch would do. He reached for the white powder and spread it.

Sirius meanwhile was handling the eggs and was in an utter loss at what to do. Um, boil eggs. How? Cursing his manhood, Sirius looked at the eggs. Well I'm not a moron, he mused. I know that shells are not necessary. He broke the shell and let the eggs drip in the huge cauldron of water. Then he nervously picked up a matchstick. Er, how do you do this now, he wondered. He struck it at the side. It flared so suddenly that he let it go in surprise. It flew and landed neatly in Moony's ham.

"Sirius!" hissed Remus, "My ham!"

"Oh-oh!" cried Sirius. Remus looked at his Ham, which was now foaming at the sides.

Remus hastily fished it out. A disfigured ham landed on Mrs. Potter's china.

Sirius returned to is eggs. "Uh-oh" he muttered. "They aren't supposed to be that way, are they. "The eggs were yellow and oozing. Swearing, Sirius pulled out the umm..Things and shaped them into ovals and popped it in a bowl. "Hmm...decent," he commented.

James was not much better either. His bacon was charred at the centre. He had a brainwave. "Food color," he muttered, rummaging through the shelves. "Ahh...there it is," He said picking up a box of brown powder and observing it. He smeared it over the bacon. It turned a perfect brown, pulsating slightly.

Peter dumped ten potatoes in a cauldron filled with water up to the brim. It had been particularly difficult to get the water, and he found a potful near the stove and tipped it into his cauldron. He then popped the potatoes into a bowl, smiling gleefully. The boys set to work on the chicken.

"Okay", said James, "Mom always puts some of her special spices".

He pulled out a large container o some reddish powdery spice. "Here Sirius, put the entire thing. Mom always does". He then handed Sirius the salt. "Here Padfoot".

Sirius looked at the small thing, "Hmm... so little?"

"Better shove the entire thing", piped up Peter.

He had emptied the salt, when Remus cried, "Oh! No!"

Sirius jumped and the salt container fell into the cauldron unnoticed by him.

"Mom makes a kind of gravy, so lets put some water", suggested James.

They added some water and a few vegetables Remus had just cut.

"Whoa! Where did you find them?" cried James.

"On the table", said Remus.

"Ah..." cried James and Sirius in unison.

The boys happily mixed everything forgetting the main thing- the CHICKEN!

"Looks kind of weird doesn't it?" said Remus, surveying the gravy.

"Yeah. Is it just me or do you all get the feeling that we've missed something important?" questioned Sirius.

"I don't think so", shrugged James with Peter nodding in agreement, "Maybe you had too much to eat Padfoot. You're hallucinating!"

Sirius glared and tipped the reddish gravy with lumps into a large silver bowl.

"Let's get on with the peas. Err... does anyone know what to do with peas? Remus?" asked James with a raised eyebrow.

"I think we have to umm...shell them and boil them", said Remus uncertainly.

Sirius began waging a war against the peas and began shelling them violently and tossing them into a bowl. He them tipped it in water and added salt.

"Done!" cried Sirius apparently satisfied with himself. He waited for it to boil and James on the other hand was dealing with the carrots. He just chopped the carrots roughly forgetting to peel them first. He then dumped it into the water that Sirius had left.

"Oh! Wait. They don't have to be boiled right?" and saying so, James chucked them out.

Lucky they had a packet of chips, so they needn't worry about that. They moved on to the desert and drinks.

"Hey! Remus", cried James, "how do you reckon pumpkin juice is made?"

"Dunno. Maybe you have to...squeeze the pumpkin and add its juice to some water and sugar?" replied Remus looking tentative.

"Squeeze the pumpkin? Are you crazy? How do you expect me to do that?" cried James incredulously.

"There must be a way", said Remus thoughtfully. They searched the kitchen and found an orangy liquid resembling pumpkin essence. Peter dipped his finger in and tried it.

"Mmm... tastes like pumpkin".

They added it in water and Sirius found a box of sugar and they added it to the bowl and stirred it well. Then he poured the contents into a jug. Peter moved on to make tea with minor scuffles and sighs to which nobody paid any attention. There was quite a bit of Yorkshire pudding and Treacle tart in the fridge which they put on the table. Peter ran to join the boys on the table and put a potful of tea on it. All the four boys plopped down on the chairs and sighed.

"Done at last!" cried James.

"And just in time too", added Sirius nodding at the door. Mrs. Potter entered with a few puffy witches and smiled at the boys. The boys quickly scrambled into the den where they could peep through the curtains and watch the witches eating their lunch.

A plump witch on Mrs. Potter's right sampled some ham. Remus watched tensely as they bit into it. The reaction he got was unexpected. The witch spat out the ham and the other boys watched as the witch's tongue turned black.

"Well! It was a tad burnt all right", said Remus sheepishly.

But that wasn't it. As soon as a stale looking witch with a heavily embroidered dress picked up one of Sirius's moulds, ahem eggs, it split in her hands and dripped on her dress. Yellowish and oozy.

"MY!" she said scandalized, "This dress cost a fortune, Elizabeth!"

Mrs. Potter looked alarmed.

But that was not all. The woman who was sampling James is bacon turned green in color. Then she swelled ominously and developed purple rashes on her nose.

"I don't understand," said James, staring at his friend. I just put bacon and the food coloring on the-"

Sirius yelped. "James, mate-isn't that where the powdered Dragon dung is kept? For your mon's kichen plants."

James looked miserable.

"Cheer up!" piped Peter. At least the Potatoes came out well. I boiled them and added salt.

"Salt?" inquired Remus. "But that was with me and Sirius all along, for the ham."

"Then that must mean-" said James slowly.

"Sugar!"

Sure enough, a plump witch with potatoes on her plate was looking sick. She swallowed and pushed the potatoes aside.

"Umm...chicken seems okay doesn't it?" Said Sirius apprehensively.

"Uh-huh. Spice, salt, veggies..."

"And the Chicken was fresh, I presume?" inquired Remus.

Sirius and James both stared at each other.

"I thought you added the Chicken!"

"Nooo...!" cried Peter.

The people eating the chicken were crunching very hard on it.

"Where did'ya find such hard vegetables moony?" asked James curiously.

"On the table."

"Isn't that where..." began Sirius uncertainly.

"Mom keeps the Enchanted Wax Vegetables!" cried James.

Remus simply buried his head in his hands.

Sirius meanwhile looked at a thin witch dishing out some peas.

"Uh..mate, Sirius, what are those stalk things?" inquired James, eyeing the peas.

"Oh no!" cried Sirius. "I forgot to separate the stalks!'

Four boys stared glumly at each other.

"Hey!" said Peter slowly. "Why isn't anyone sampling Pumpkin juice?

'It looks gross!" commented James. "Look- its all bubbly and thick."

"Kinda like your mom's face pack," grinned Sirius. "You know, _"Madame Prusses Pineapple Face Scrub'_?"

"Pineapple face scrub?' said Remus.

Uh-Oh!

'The tea seems okay, though", commented Sirius eyeing Peter warily.

A very primitive looking witch, who saw her friends' condition, took safety in tea. She hadn't gulped a mouthful, when she started puking all over the table.

"_WHAT DID YOU ADD WORMTAIL!_" cried the three boys looking as though they had been smacked on their faces.

"Nothing at all!" whined Peter, "Well maybe... Matt fell into it".

"Matt?"

"You know. The rat with two white hairs sticking out of his head? I hang out with him sometimes."

"A _rat_ fell into the tea?" cried James

"No need to worry Prongs. I have brains you know. I put _Madam Scurry's no need to flurry_ pesticide to kill his germs".

"You-what!" cried Remus shocked, "You pulled the corpse out didn't you?"

"Yup. But... it's tail was missing though".

"_WORMTAIL!_" wailed the three boys. They watched as the whole bunch of witches fled out of the dining room and out of the Potter mansion. The boy watched as Mrs. Potter grew steadily purple and then red in face.

"I think its time we moved" whispered Sirius.

"_BOYS!"_

"eep..."

**THE END**

**Review Corner:**

Please read and review!

(Or be fiendishly attacked by purple jelly and Pizza boxes. MUHAHAHAHA!)

We'll post another chapter to reply to the reviews if we get enough feedback. Please be kind. This is our first venture.

If you liked this, look out for more Meghna/Sathia endeavors...

**Maraudera-- ** The famous Marauding Era

**The Slam Book(Reposted)(By Dazzling Dame, re-edited)-- **Now more interesting people featured!

**Why do girls exist?**-- Why are girls such morons, muses Sirius Black.

**The Black Family Tree(reposted) (By Dazzling Dame, re-edited)-- ** The Black Family tree re-edited.

**A day in the life of Fred and George-- ** A Weasley family fiasco!

This is nothing related to the fic, but...me and my friends were playing when we saw a little bird. Its neck was wrung and had cuts on its forehead. We put it on a bed of cotton and gave it some water. It's still breathing, but it keeps scratching its wound. I hope its comfortable and lives. Please pray for it, it's a dear, all alone, just a young bird.


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